You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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