i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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