I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
