he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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