You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
