You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
