Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
