I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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