I cannot find my penis.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
