I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
