So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
