At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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