you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
