Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
