Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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