so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
