She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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