I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
