I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
