Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
