If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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