she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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