The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
