So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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