Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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