Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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