I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
