Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
