Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
