I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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