He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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