Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
