I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
