how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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