and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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