My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
