Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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