whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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