Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
