I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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