Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
