So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
