So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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