You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Randomize
