i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
