I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
