I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
