i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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