Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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