Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
