They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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