I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
