So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
