we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
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