I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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